Revelation

I subbed for a jr high English class today. The neighborhood has a lot of Latino and African American children and at one point, when students entered the classroom, the first thing I heard a student say is "Oh my God, a blonde white girl is our sub today. Ask her what color her eyes are." It was pretty awkward. The kids are really nice when I talked to them one on one but they loved loved loved to push my buttons (as do all jr high students). The teacher next door heard how loud they were being and told me to send them to his class if they couldn't pull it together. Luckily, I only had to send two kids to him, so it wasn't too bad. The teacher I subbed for was really sick and didn't send me her lessons until five minutes before the bell rang, which made it a little hard to make 150 copies before first period. Overall though, it was an ok day. Nothing really exciting or funny happened, but we did get out two hours earlier than I had been scheduled for, which is always exciting!

I have been reading a book called The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom. I am only a little more than half way through the book, but the meaning of the book is very clear- God has a plan and we as people, are so focused on worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow, or in a week, or a year, that we forget to focus on what is going in our life now and be thankful for the little moments. It has made me reflect on my attitude these past few months, and I do not like it. We need to stop playing with time. From now on, I am going to focus on myself and stop longing for other people's opportunities. I have been offered several opportunities in the near future that I am extremely excited for. I appreciate the things I have been given and am working hard to earn a position in education. Education is all about supporting each other, and I am going to focus on that more, instead of being envious or wishing for more than what I have. I have an amazing family, loving boyfriend, and a dynamite set of friends. Eventually everything will work out. I feel good. (Sorry for all the run on sentences- deep thoughts don't allow me to have proper sentence structure)

Friday

I subbed the third grade class that I will be long terming for today. As you are fully aware, I have already subbed them several times but today something was different. I felt like I am actually starting to form relationships with each student in the class. Learning their names has helped a lot (I am awful at remembering names). I feel like I didn't have to keep telling students to be quiet or behave in an appropriate way like I normally would. I also met a parent today after school who was extremely nice. It is helpful to know that parents really do care about their child's success in school. Today was just what I needed to give me that spark again. I loved it!

My friend Katie and I decided to dress alike today for work. We made cool bows like we used to wear in AYSO soccer. Katie is doing a long term sub job at Solorio. Hopefully she will still be there when I start my long terms. It is nice to be able to talk to her. We both went through the credential program at La Verne together and did our student teaching together. Here is a picture of us...

Well, I have been avoiding this topic but now I feel comfortable enough to discuss it. I suppose. Last week I went for an interview at a middle school for an ELD position. I haven't really mentioned it to very many people because I don't want sad puppy eyes from people if I don't receive it- I just feel worse about myself. Although the position isn't one that I particularly have always dreamed of, I know that if I receive it, I will be able to pursue all of the things I have been waiting for. I know that I am young and I have a lot of life ahead of me but I also know the things I want in life. I am ready to have a "real" job, get married, buy a house, have kids, etc., but until I have a job I can't have any of that which is really quite frustrating! Unfortunately, I haven't been offered the job and it has been a week. I talked to my references and they haven't been contacted, which pretty much tells me that I didn't get the job. I am ok with not receiving the position, because after the day like I had today, I know that eventually the right position in the right school will come along. I just wish that I was able to have those things mentioned above without having to wait even longer, but it is looking like it will be quite a long wait. All I can do is keep working my bum off and continue to pray.

Flaws

Every human on the planet has flaws. Obviously you already know that. I have weird flaws that people may not expect of me. I become extremely nervous and very quiet around people I am not entirely comfortable around. If you know me, you know that it is not my personality at all. I like to be loud and fun, but only with people I am comfortable around. I am also a very sensitive person but I am good at hiding it when I am in public. I become offended easily and seek other people's approval constantly. I know I should seek approval from myself before others, but my brain isn't wired that way and I hate it. Maybe it is low self-esteem, or maybe it is just because I like to please others, I am not really sure. Those really aren't the greatest qualities to have as an educator. I already know that my flaws force me to become overly emotional in certain situations and it causes me to over analyze everything I do. I really wish I didn't over think the way I perceive how people feel or think about me. I don't even know why I am writing this on here.... so let's move onto a more exciting topic.

I subbed 4th grade today. A few of my students from last year were in the class again. During the math lesson I was reviewing information on a test and I found myself having flashbacks of teaching my third graders from last year. I miss them. I miss laughing with them and joking around with students about Jesse's obsession with Selena Gomez. I miss my kindergarteners too... I want them back. I miss it all. I found myself in such a melancholy mood after class because I couldn't stop missing last year. I hate having to move to a new classroom each day with a new set of kids... I want to make a connection with students like I did last year during both rounds of my student teaching.

It is pretty amazing to see how much more mature students have become in such a short amount of time. One of my students used to be a little wild child and never wanted to do work, but now he is so calm and relaxed and offers to help when needed. I am so proud of him and the other students for growing up so much. I know they are going to become even more amazing as they continue through their journey.

Kindergarten

I subbed half day kinder for Letty today. I don't know the morning class as well as the afternoon class, but they are still a really cute bunch. I stayed for about a half hour in the afternoon and tested a few of them. Students had to count from number one and try to count as high as they could without messing up. Some students couldn't count very high while some others counted all the way to 100! It was so cute to see the kids defeat their worst counting fears! A little boy's face completely brightened when he realized he had actually counted to 100. I wanted to squeeze his little cheeks. So cute!

On Facebook the other night, I posted that I couldn't wait until the election is over so that people will stop posting rubbish on Facebook about their political views. My friend Kristine has now since been posting political nonsense on my page and has been trying to turn me into a political fanatic. It is pretty hilarious because I really am not a very political person at all. I have certain beliefs and views about things, but I don't really talk about them openly with people. Anyway, it was pretty funny because her class looked at me like I was crazy when Kristine made fun of me while I was in the classroom. I just love our relationship.

I saw my former adviser, Judy, today. I swear seeing her is like a breath of fresh air. She knows all about the system of education having been a teacher, administrator, and college professor throughout her career. Although she tells me facts like it is, she is one of the nicest and most caring people on the planet. Today after talking to her, she helped me to remember that eventually things will turn out the way I have always hoped, but for right now, I need to take life as it comes and enjoy the little things. I am so glad I saw her.

Oh, and I got my hair done today. Added some blonde and got a trim. It was finally time for a little change!

Waiting with a Happy Heart

In kindergarten we always tell impatient students to "wait with a happy heart" until it is time to move on. I regret saying that to every kindergarten student I have ever told that to. I am a hypocrite- I hate waiting for answers on things I am so desperately interested in.

I need answers, people!

In other news, I subbed for a 2nd grade class today. A student told me that her little sister sunk in the pool. I was too afraid to ask what exactly that meant because of the horror I saw in her eyes. That about sums up my day.

I will be at Solorio for the rest of the week, which I am quite excited about. I miss my teacher friends and favorite students.

5/6 Combo

I have a love hate relationship with subbing students while their teacher is still in the classroom. I feel like I step on toes if I am teaching while the teacher is still in there or like I am taking up space if she/he is teaching. At the same time, though, I like seeing how the teacher interacts with their students because it helps me get a feel for how I should work with students and what they are used to.

Today I subbed for a fifth grade/ sixth grade combo class. They are a fun group of kids. Every time I work with them math gets pretty crazy. I really have to gear up and put my thinking cap on for them. I drown with questions from both grade levels and math is totally not my thing. Thank goodness for answer keys because I can work backwards and figure out how to complete the problem.

After I was there for a little while today I took the students to the library. When I attended that school, the library was where the teacher's lounge currently is and now the library is where a first grade class used to be. I remember that class because in sixth grade one of my classmates, Steven, fell into the pool and drown right before the mailman found him and tried to save him. Steven's little brother was in that first grade classroom. I used to go in every day during lunch and help the teacher organize and grade. I think that year I realized that I wanted to help kids when I grew up. Up until a couple years ago I wanted to be a counselor, but with the budget cuts, I chose teaching (I know, like that is any better.). One day I hope to get my counseling credential and I know it has a lot to do with me wanting to help families like Steven's.

It is crazy the things I remember from that year. I had just moved to my town and switched schools. I didn't know who the boy in my class really was, but I remember seeing the pain in his mother's eyes after he died. I wrote a story about a magical kite who went up in the sky and didn't want anyone to be sad for him. When my classmate's mom read the story she brought me a pink guardian angel statue and gave me a hug. I still have that statue. I hope I can one day put it in my daughter's room as a sort of guardian angel.

PS

An event on Friday could possibly change my life and pick things up for me.

Please say prayers that things turn out for the best. If you don't pray, please send good vibes my way.

And before you ask, No I am not moving, getting engaged, getting married, or pregnant.

Thanks friends!