Thin Ice

I'm a walking piece of thin ice. If someone touches me I will crack. At least that is how I have felt all day. I felt fine this morning when I woke up but once I got to school I just wanted to cry. As soon as I entered the parking lot I just sat in my car and had to take a few meditating breaths to keep myself from feeling overwhelmed. Why do I allow myself to get so invested and worked up over things? I hate that part of me. I hate that I was so excited for this school year and now I don't know what I am feeling. I am an organized person and I am a planner. My organization and planning did not work out. Every time one of my students smiled at me today I wanted to cry. I am not ready to give them up so that I can go back to subbing random students that I have never met before... I won't even know their names. Third grade was supposed to keep that from happening. I know it is all in my head, but I just felt like everyone kept staring at me today at work... it was an awful feeling. I just feel sad. I know I am being dramatic, but I think you would feel the same if something you worked really hard for and planned for didn't work out in the end. I just wish things had turned out differently. I know that regardless of how I feel it won't change anything anymore so I am really going to make an effort and try to focus on the good. I have had an amazing experience in first grade and I work at a great school with an amazing principal.

Here are the things I am grateful for today:

1. I took my kids to an assembly this morning. It was so cute and my students were laughing the whole time. Every time one of my students would laugh, she would look at me like she was making sure I was laughing too. I loved seeing their faces light up at the world around them. I am so in love with each of my students for so many different reasons. It is hard to believe I only have three weeks left with them.

2. I have three daughters of teachers in my class. It is a little stressful sometimes but for the most part I am fine with it. Yesterday was one of the girls' birthdays. The mom came into my classroom today at recess and closed the door behind her so I immediately thought something was wrong. Then she said, "Do you know what she wished for yesterday when she was blowing out her candles?" I said, "No, what?" She said, "Well she looked at me when she was blowing out her candles and said 'Mommy, I wish that Ms. Hobbs and Mrs. Wilson can teach together. I mean, I love Mrs. Wilson, but I love Ms. Hobbs too. Can't they just teach together?'" Oh my gosh I about rolled over and balled my eyes out in the corner right then and there. I love that little girl so much.

3. I am thankful for such supportive family and friends. I sat in the parking lot at Stater Brother's tonight after fighting with the Red Box machine and cried my eyes out. Then I went to my grandparent's house and they squeezed me like only grandparents can... It is a great feeling. Then I was lucky enough to go to my best friend's house and hang out with her and her parents.

4. I am grateful for kindergarten. At least I will be able to sub for Letty's class in the future... I miss those little boogers!